How to Survive a Gaslighting Boss
Working with a gaslighting boss or colleague is hard let alone a boss with all the power. Here are some ways to help you survive what is going to be quite a tough time.
1.) Build your mental defenses
Stay confident in the knowledge that you are good at your job by referring back to past good appraisals. Keep a track of every task you’ve gone above and beyond on. Seek feedback from other non direct senior managers that you work with. Understand that your boss is trying to undermine you in order to manipulate you. Do not absorb their back hand compliments or niggly remarks. If you start to doubt yourself, read your list of achievements and positive feedback from other senior staff.
Sometimes it can be difficult to spot whether your boss is gaslighting you as it can be done very sneakily, but you may be feeling the impact of it such as always not knowing where you stand, receiving inconsistent explanations and this can all mess with your mind. Being able to first identify that your boss is gaslighting you will help you regain a sense of confidence that you’re not going crazy or reading too much into things. Read here for 12 Signs You’re Being Subtly Gaslighted.
2.) Build relationships with other senior staff and even your boss’s boss
Go over and above for any work request made by any senior manager, including your own boss and your boss’s boss.
Seek any opportunity to be seen or noticed, volunteer to do extra pieces of work/ social event. E.g. organise the department lunch, and strike up relationships. Get to know people on a more personal and human level. Chat to the people in the kitchen when you’re making a cup of tea or if you’re riding in the lift with them. The more popular you are the more support you will have and the stronger you will feel.
Take advantage of any mentorship scheme your company may be running to gain a relationship with someone in powerful senior position.
Ask for 360 feedback from other senior members of staff and your boss’s boss, they will feel flattered that you’ve reached out to them and you’ll have struck up a more human and personable relationship.
Ensure you are on good terms with HR.
3.) Openly question the criticisms your boss gives you.
Ask for specific examples.
Your gaslighter boss is deliberately knocking your confidence by criticising something you’re particularly sensitive about, but you know is not true. You need to push your boss for specifics, by asking: Can you provide me with specific examples? If they manage to make something vague up, ask for the evidence . If your boss is a genuine gaslighter they will not able to come up with a specific example or evidence.
Now if your boss is providing you with regular constructive criticism they will be giving examples, and encourage your development by giving you the opportunities to rectify, practice, stretch and demonstrate your capabilities. They will be providing feedback on a regular basis. It should not be a surprise at your appraisal when they hit you with an accusation/ criticism.
This happened to me where my boss accused me of not having built up a relationship with a particular director. This director had never ever dealt with my rank before and purely had a relationship with my boss’s predecessor. I was so knocked that it was true that I didn’t regularly deal with this person, that I didn’t point out that this would be a change to the status quo, and if the director wanted more support and contact, why wasn’t this raised with me at the time so that I could meet his revised expectations? This was held against me even though I was never provided an opportunity to address it, or even provide my side of the story.
To summarise:
Ask for examples of the criticism/ complaint. If it is vague/ hearsay, ask for the evidence.
Ask why this complaint/ criticism was not raised at the time to provide you the opportunity to address it.
Ask for opportunity to demonstrate that you are capable.
4.) Be prepared to speak out when the time is right
There may come a time, when your relationship reaches melting point and you will need to speak up and stand your ground. If that means you’re having to talk to HR or your boss’s boss, you will need to have your list of evidence of the times your boss may have treated you unfairly or unprofessionally. You will need to date each example.
You also need to understand what you want to get out of this from HR or your boss’s boss. Either there are enough complainants and your boss clearly needs disciplinary action or undergo a management training course OR all that will happen is that the issues are communicated to your boss so that they can address it.
The actions that might be taken are:
A mediation session is held where you are able to air your views to each other, with a mediator in the room to allow facilitate a constructive dialogue without it descending into an argument.
The HR person/ boss’s offers to speak to your boss on your behalf.
I would only advise doing these if you are an in strong enough position. E.g. there are enough senior people who can vouch that you are a good employee and not a trouble maker, you have a number of people who are willing to make the same complaint or have resigned and written their exit interviews, and you genuinely are competent at your job and have clearly produced good work that has been noted by others. OR you have clear and strong evidence of behavior that requires disciplinary action. If you are not in a strong position then the best that can happen is nothing is done and it all blows over, and the worst is you’re managed out because:
1.)Your boss will now know you’ve made a complaint . And if they truly have it in for you, they will not forget.
2.)HR exists to work for management. They are there to work out how they can legally deal with you, if your boss or boss’s boss wants you gone/ promoted/demoted.
3.) Your boss’s boss just wants a simple life, they don’t want to deal with someone else’s relationship issues. Your boss’s boss has a closer relationship with his direct report than with you. So if he has to pick between you and your boss he is likely to pick your boss.
As suggested above, unless your boss’s actions can be classified as gross misconduct and is a sackable offence, your boss will know you have dobbed them in and there may continue to be negative repercussions. You will need to carefully weigh up what you intend to get from this, but here are some reasons why you may feel it is worth standing up for yourself:
1.) Your gaslighting boss is a narcissistic manipulative bully who will continue to tread on you if you/others allow it to happen. If you can prove you have a voice and you can cause trouble for him/her if she continues to treat you poorly, then they may be forced to change tack.
2.) By speaking out, you’ve managed to get your boss’s card marked. Yes you have to accept that in the process yours will now also be marked. However if you were never going to get anywhere with your boss blocking your way, you may have nothing to lose. If your boss does not want to be labelled a bad manager they will have to listen to your point of view and compromise.
3.) Flex your vocal chords! This may not be the last time you encounter a person like this, studies show more than 50% leave their jobs because they can no longer work with their bosses. By going through this process, you’ll gain experience and confidence in how to deal with such people and how to manage the political HR process that comes with it. Even if you are not successful, you will learn how to deal with it if you come across a similar boss in future.
4.) You love everything about your job apart from your boss. This is so important, if the entire company is rotten and you hate the people you work with, it is much easier to bide your time (How to Work Alongside a Toxic and Insecure Boss) and look for a new job. There will be better ones out there!
GOOD LUCK & STAY STRONG
Women On The Ladder
xx
